Ms. Bitch: Finding happiness is the best revenge. Read online

  Uh-oh. Sounds like you’re going to have some fun in Colorado.

  I mean, I guess. I don’t know. It seems like just a hook-up app.

  Is that what you want to do? Just hook up?

  Tess looked at the ceiling, suddenly interested in where this conversation was going.

  This is such unfamiliar territory for me. I’ve never online dated before.

  It could be fun for you. Help you get past the divorce. Have you dated at all since you kicked him out?

  Just one guy. A friend. A little fling, nothing more.

  So it’s time for you to explore.

  I guess. What about you? Are you on Tinder? Is there Tinder in Mexico?

  There is, but I’m rarely on it. I meet a lot of people through work.

  Oh, sure. Duh, I’m sure the ladies are lining up to meet the hot scuba instructor.

  Tess hit herself on the forehead. “No, no, no, why are you saying that?”

  Do you think I’m hot, Tess?

  I mean, yes, I do think you’re quite sexy.

  I think you are beautiful. I especially think it’s interesting that you’re so creative – not to mention those erotic stories you told me about.

  Oh great, she had to mention those, Tess thought, blushing at the thought of some of the hidden stories she’d written.

  Right, those stories.

  I’d like to read one.

  Um, hmm. Really? I mean they’re just… you know.

  No, I don’t know. But I’d like to.

  Um, well, I guess I could send you one. I’ll have to pick a favorite.

  I would be very interested in which one is your favorite.

  “Phew,” Tess blew out a breath and fanned her face, squirming in bed, another need taking over her body.

  I can do that.

  Looking forward to it. I have to get to bed now, we’re two hours ahead of you and I’m up early.

  Oh shoot, I didn’t realize the time. I’m sorry.

  No worries, I like chatting with you, Tess. Speak to you soon.

  Okay, sounds good. Sweet dreams.

  Oh, and Tess – I can’t wait to read your fantasies.

  “Eeeeek,” Tess screeched. She didn’t respond, pulling a pillow over her head. She didn’t want to go on a Tinder date. She wanted to have Aiden next to her, telling her all the wicked things he’d do to her in his delicious accent. Taking a deep breath, she decided to attend to something else that she’d been ignoring as of late, and opened up a website where she could discreetly order a toy that would attend to some of her more basic needs. Scrolling through, she clicked on one that looked like it would be good, hit the order button, and put her phone on the bedside table.

  Snuggling in, she found herself grinning into the pillow, decidedly delighted with the turn of events her life had taken. Maybe it was time to put herself out there, date a little, and just have some fun. The past months had felt like she was trudging through cement, and now nothing was holding her back.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  “I have no idea, this guy seems kind of intense,” Tess said the following week, as she sipped a coffee with Daniel in the backyard. “He wants to drive all the way from Boulder to meet for dinner, but has informed me that he is incredibly picky about the women he dates.”

  “Hmm, that’s weird to say. But obviously he finds you to be up to his standards if he is going to drive forty-five minutes to meet you.” They’d fallen into an easy friendship, and Tess had found herself speaking to either Daniel or Teddy almost daily. She was beyond excited to have neighbors who had turned into friends. It kind of felt like her college days, where she could call across the hallway to a friend to meet for a drink.

  “He’s from Brazil. I wonder if I would meet his standards. You know Brazilian women are knockouts.” Tess felt her insecurities kick up. She’d never been on a blind date before, and she wondered how people did this on the regular.

  “So are you, honey. Don’t worry, it’s fine. Though I’m surprised he wants to have dinner. Most people just meet for drinks.”

  “I know; I’ve actually had a few requests for dinner. I’m kind of surprised at that. Shouldn’t it just be one drink and then you decide if you vibe?” Tess asked, leaning back to feel the sun on her face. It had definitely grown colder now, but still nothing like Chicago, and sitting outside in a fleece and jeans was comfortable for her. The dogs loved prowling around the yard, and Tess was not missing the lake effect snow that Chicago so reliably delivered.

  “That’s how I would roll, but hey – why not? At the very least, you’ll get to explore a new restaurant. I just love the place you’re going to,” Daniel gushed and then stood, pointing to her house. “Let’s pick out an outfit for you.”

  “Oh! Fun,” Tess said and they traipsed up to the bedroom, Daniel commenting on the layout of the house, already in realtor mode. Once there, Tess pulled out several options.

  “I’m not sure leather pants on the first date is good, it may scream too much bad girl,” Daniel decided, motioning for Tess to put the leather pants aside. “Keep it casual, but cool. Slim jeans, a sexy top, fitted jacket. Easy.”

  “Heels?”

  “Mmm, no. What if you are taller than him?”

  “Good point. Though if I was, I’m not interested. Does that make me shallow? I think it makes me shallow.”

  “You can be shallow. This is your time to do what you want, and if a tall man is what you want, then go for it.”

  “You say that because you’re ridiculously tall,” Tess said, smiling at him.

  Daniel laughed. “Yes, I am. A lot of South Africans are.” Daniel had told her he’d moved to the US from South Africa after a few years being a private chef on various yachts, and met Teddy in Florida. After that, they’d decided on Colorado and had happily renovated a few homes in the area, enjoying the community and the city.

  “Maybe I should find me a South African then,” Tess quipped, laying out a swingy tank in deep red.

  “What about that Scotsman of yours?”

  “He’s not mine,” Tess protested, blushing a little as she thought of Aiden.

  “Anything more there?” Daniel pressed.

  “We’ve chatted a bit, flirted here and there. Nothing much really. It’s just kind of nice. Like every few days or so, one of us will send a message.”

  “Sounds like he’s interested. A man does not just send messages every few days to someone he wants to be friends with.”

  “Well, I mean, really – what could possibly happen here?”

  “Phone sex?” Daniel wondered, then laughed at Tess’s shocked face.

  “Who even does that?”

  “Oh please, you write romance novels. I’m sure you know people engage in phone sex.”

  “Yeah, but like when they’re in a long-distance relationship and know each other. You don’t just have phone sex with someone for the first time of hooking up,” Tess protested and then paused, considering. “Or do you?”

  “Girl, you can do whatever you damn well want.” Daniel grinned, standing and stretching. “It’s your life.”

  “Right, well, I doubt I’ll be phone-sexing with Aiden anytime soon.”

  “Keep me posted if you do. I want full details.”

  “Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t. For now, let me get ready for this dinner date.” Tess shooed him from her room.

  “Also, keep me posted on that. Text when you leave and when you get there. We’ll watch our phones. And if it’s awful, come over for a drink after.” Daniel waved to her as he left.

  It was awful.

  To start with, he’d been shorter than her, which Tess had told herself to overlook because he could end up being an amazing guy and then it wouldn’t really matter. But instead, he’d looked her over head to toe, and then barely made conversation all through dinner. She knew it wasn’t a language barrier, as he understood exactly what she was saying. After he only ordered an appetizer and refused a drink, Tess knew what was up. Why had he e
ven bothered with dinner, she wondered? She had one drink, split his appetizer with him, and ordered an Uber home.

  He’d tried to insist on giving her a ride, but after that less than scintillating date, she’d refused. Like she was about to get in the car with this potential serial killer? Heading home, she leaned her head against the back seat, grateful for an Uber driver who didn’t feel like talking. She stared out the window at the city passing her by. She knew this was supposed to be fun, that dating again was meant to be a second chance to go wild with loads of different guys, but all it was doing was bringing her insecurities to a head. There was nothing worse than going out on a date with pleasant expectations only to have someone size you up and find you wanting. She only hoped it would get better from here.

  Getting out of the Uber, she didn’t even stop at her house, instead knocking on Daniel and Teddy’s door.

  “Girl, get in here.” Daniel ushered her inside. “Bad?”

  “So bad! He was so rude,” Tess said, tossing her jacket on the front chair and gratefully accepting the glass of wine that Teddy had already poured for her. “He seriously looked me up and down, said like two words during his appetizer, and then tried to drive me home.”

  “Maybe he was so excited that he wanted to skip dinner and get right to the good stuff,” Teddy suggested.

  “Doubtful. Don’t you think he’d at least try then? Flirt a little? Ask a few questions? Something?”

  “Maybe you made him nervous,” Daniel considered.

  “He already told me he was exceptionally picky about women,” Tess reminded him.

  “He did? That’s really… rude,” Teddy said.

  “It is, isn’t it? Like, thanks for letting me know your high standards and then subjecting me to the fact that I don’t meet them. Have you considered you might not meet my standards, you little pipsqueak?” It wasn’t like she would have gone home with the guy anyway, but that long look he’d given her before he decided she didn’t meet his standards had stung.

  “Next,” Daniel called, wiggling his hands for her phone.

  “No, I’m not sure you get to use my account anymore,” Tess grumbled.

  “Oh please, it’s one date. There will be many more,” Daniel said. “Now hand it over. We want to look at all the horrible fashion choices straight guys make.”

  Tess handed her phone over. They were right: he was just one guy of many, and it certainly wouldn’t be her first bad date – or her last.

  “Oh, he’s cute! And a firefighter,” Daniel exclaimed and soon Tess found herself laughing, the stress and awkwardness of her first failed Tinder date fading behind her.

  Onward.

  The week passed in a blur of exploring Denver, tentatively feeling out new Tinder matches, and finally diving back into her writing. Her readers had been fantastic through the divorce, kindly waiting for her book to be released, and now she was feeling like she was in a good mental space to start writing again. She’d slowly started outlining another book, watching as the days grew shorter and winter began to approach Denver. The mountains had snow, and Tess had even driven up to the front range to get a peek at the hills, marveling in their beauty, feeling like her problems were very small in the immensity of nature’s awesomeness laid out before her.

  Tess smiled as a ding from the Tinder app told her she had a new message. She’d been chatting with a guy who owned a used bookstore and hosted a radio show. So far, they’d had fairly interesting conversations, which was a step up from most of the guys on the app who just asked if they could come over at midnight. He seemed funny, smart, and into the arts – and Tess had decided she would definitely meet him for a drink if he asked. She smiled when she opened the message to see that it was, indeed, an invite to meet up for a salsa and margaritas. Deciding she would message him as soon as she got home, Tess sang along to the radio the whole drive home.

  A box sat on her doorstep, and Tess idly wondered what she’d ordered now. It wasn’t uncommon for her to click “Buy Now,” and forget what she’d ordered by the time the box showed up. Which probably meant she shouldn’t have ordered it to begin with, but Tess knew she wasn’t the only one with a secret shopping addiction.

  The dogs danced around her feet, always excited when she had a package in hand because there could be treats or toys at any moment.

  “I don’t know what this is, boys, but I’m sure you have more than enough toys,” Tess said, nodding to their wildly overflowing toy basket. Putting the package on the kitchen counter, she grabbed a pair of scissors and slit the tape open, popping the lid to see a large neon pink box. “Hmm.” She took the box out, surprised at the weight of it. Opening it, she dropped it on the counter in surprise.

  “Shut up!” Tess choked out, laughter seizing her as the sheer size of the vibrator she’d drunkenly ordered online weeks ago. “Nooooo, this thing is huge!” Tess pulled it out of the box and waved it around like a sword. The thing was massive, beyond anything she’d ever consider using or touching or buying unless it was as a joke for a bachelorette party.

  “Dear lord, they need to post size comparison photos for these things,” Tess groaned, laughing so hard that tears clouded her eyes. Laying it on the counter next to her hand, she took a photo of it to send to her friends.

  “You have got to see this,” Tess typed out, and paused as Ringo made a particularly high jump and tried to seize the toy. “Ringo! No, this is definitely not for you!” Picking up her phone just as it beeped, she sent the photo to Elizabeth, knowing she’d die when she saw the picture.

  Her phone beeped again, several times in a row, and Tess, still laughing and eying the gigantic toy balefully, picked it up to talk to Elizabeth.

  “Oh shit,” Tess breathed.

  Well, well, well… I suppose we could skip the margaritas and go straight to the fun stuff, then. I see you like to have fun in bed. Good thing I’m packing just what you need.

  “Noooooooo,” Tess screeched, realizing a Tinder message had come in at the same time she was texting Elizabeth and she’d sent the photo to the cute bookstore owner. “Oh for fuck’s sake, I can’t believe I did this.”

  The guy had seemed fairly normal, tall, attractive, gainfully employed and – up to this point – respectful. Now that she’d inadvertently sent him a sex-toy photo, it was like she’d greenlighted him to tell her all the naughty things he wanted to do to her. The messages poured in, increasingly lurid, and Tess bent over the counter, smacking her forehead lightly against the counter.

  “Why, why, why do I do these stupid things?” She screenshotted the man’s messages, for she knew Daniel and Teddy would get a kick out of this, and then very politely told him it had been a mistake and she was no longer interested. Unmatching with him quickly and deleting all messages, including the photo from her phone so she wouldn’t make that stupid mistake again, Tess buried the toy in a drawer, planning to discreetly toss it in the bin on trash day.

  “I shouldn’t be allowed on these apps,” Tess grumbled, plopping onto the couch. “I’m only a menace to myself.”

  Her phone beeped again, this time with an incoming Facebook message, and Tess saw it was from Aiden. She hadn’t heard from him in over a week now, and she’d meant to send him a message but had been feeling shy. In a bold move, she’d sent him the erotic short story she’d written, and then hadn’t heard anything since. She’d begun to think that she’d well and truly embarrassed herself, but after the last twenty minutes of her life, Tess realized she could dig that hole much deeper than she’d thought.

  Hey, how’s it going?

  Good, how are you?

  Good, it’s been a crazy busy week. We’re getting into high season now, so we’re slammed.

  See? He was just busy, not avoiding her, Tess told herself and relaxed into the couch cushions, pulling the blanket over her so Red could cuddle in her lap.

  I forget how busy you guys must get in high season, I can imagine it’s exhausting.

  We have six boats going out five
times a day – it’s a lot of divers. I love it, I just wish I had more days off that I could plan around. It would be nice to do more than just the washing up on our day off. Plan a day trip or two…that kind of thing.

  I can imagine that’s tough to never know your days off. I’m jealous of your sunshine though. It’s getting cold here. I think we might see snow soon.

  Brrrr, better cuddle up and stay warm. Speaking of staying warm, how are those Tinder dates treating you?

  Interesting, Tess thought, that he’d ask about her dating life. She wondered if he cared that she was dating, or if he was the jealous type.

  Not so great, to be honest. I’m either making a fool of myself or being found wanting.

  What do you mean being found wanting?

  Like I went on this date with one guy who just scanned me up and down and decided I wasn’t for him. He couldn’t hightail it out of there fast enough.

  Tess had no idea why she was telling him this stuff, other than he was a nice guy and easy to talk to.

  He’s an idiot. I can’t imagine any man not being pleased to have you on his arm.

  Awww, that’s sweet of you. Thank you.

  Don’t let assholes get you down. You’re beautiful and an awesome person. Any guy would be lucky to have you.

  Tess beamed at the phone, simply taken with this man and his sweet words. Did they really make men who were this kind?

  You’re really a doll. I’m surprised some girl hasn’t snatched you up.

  Haha, you said snatch.

  Tess laughed despite herself.

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

  In all seriousness, I haven’t wanted to be serious with anyone since my last girlfriend messed with my head. It’s been better for me to be single for a while.

  I get that.

  Or maybe I’m just waiting until I meet someone who catches my interest more than most, you know?